Different, but the same
by Sanctuary Dreamer
Summary: You always knew James was a bit different. His behaviors, his worries, his ideas, they were things you didn't always fully understand. But, you didn't doubt your love for him, not one bit. You couldn't help but wonder however. Why did he never seem comfortable in your house? Autistic!James, Reader insert


You fell in love with him the moment you saw him. He had a kind face, and a very mature way of speaking to you. A beautiful smile, outstanding intelligence, and a kind, kind heart. You knew he was the one you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. And you never would have guessed that he felt the same way. The moment you kissed him for the first time, you knew he was the one. No one else could ever come close. You loved everything about him. The funny face he made when he ate something slimy. The rare, goofy smile he gave you when you tried (Keyword tried) to make a joke. And the lovely way he wrinkled his nose when you kissed it. Every little thing about him you loved.

However, even with love at first sight, you had always noticed there was something about James that stood out when compared to his brothers. But you could never quite place your finger on what that was. When he first came to the human world, he seemed to have a harder time adjusting to things then his brothers did. He always seemed concerned about things that they hadn't even thought about, or cared about. Things were not the same as they were in the Abyss. And for some reason, that seemed to upset him the most...

The boys were always worrying at first. About the Demon Lord finding them, about keeping you safe, about Malix coming back to find them. All of them were very legitimate worries to them, and you understood. But James…you didn't always understand him and his worries. He always seemed to feel unsettled, because the house was so different when compared to the castle. None of the rooms were the same, and the layout of the living room was not the same. Everything had changed on him, and he truly didn't like it. You almost wondered if he wanted to go home. And yet, every time you asked him why he was so distressed, he smiled. An obviously plastered-on smile, as he told you it was okay. He would be okay. Do not worry.

You didn't know at the time, that he was trying to hide things from you. He was hiding all the ways he was different, when compared to his younger brothers. He had so much trouble getting used to changes in his ways and routines, and he didn't know how to cope. So many new humans smells and sights and sounds. So many new rules and new etiquette. He just didn't understand it. They told jokes he did not understand, and they were so sarcastic, that it was hard to tell when they were telling the truth. Humans could easily fake their smiles, their sympathy, their levels of care. And again, he just didn't understand. It was so difficult to mask things when he was in this new world. But he had to try.

And for awhile, he came close to getting away with it. He almost seemed, as he later put it, 'just like you.' But, as you both came to find it, it just wasn't something he could hide for so long.

You could still remember it clearly. you had gone to (work/school/etc.) just as you always did. You left at the same time every morning. And you were usually back at the same time every afternoon. You would come home, you worked on (Homework/housework etc.) you made dinner with James and his brothers, and you hung out. But on that day, you were late to get home. You were stuck in a line of traffic and you had no choice. You called the house, letting the boys know. You told them to start on dinner if it became too late, and to just not wait up for you. You would be home, hopefully within the hour. You hadn't expected anything to go wrong. You thought it was okay. But, it would seem that it was not. The change was too last-minute. You hadn't realized how important routine and structure was to him…

You came home a good deal later then you intended to. You had to turn around to retrieve what you had forgotten, then had to take another rode when the one you usually went down closed up. By the time you got back, the sky was a bright orange. The sun was going down, and you were feeling tired. It had been a bit of a poor day. But, you didn't know that a certain someone was having just as hard of a time.  
When you first entered the house, you truly hadn't noticed anything out of the ordinary. You took off your shoes, set your bag down, and entered to kitchen. Where you found James and you weren't sure what to make of what was happening. But it was clear to you right away that something was not right.

James was pacing, back and forth across the tile floor. You had seen him pace before, and you always assumed it was simply a habit. But what you didn't expect, was how hard he was crying. His chest was heaving in and out, and his face was pale, as though he had done this for hours. His arms were moving consistently. Lifting his fists up and slamming them against his hips, over and over and over. Sam wasn't moving however. He stood to the side, letting his elder brother pace like this. At first, you were upset by this. Why was he doing nothing?!br /But then, James' hand went from his hip, to his head. He only got in two, harsh hits before Sam hurried forward and stopped him, with a sharp 'Hey!' James' only response was a moaning sound from deep down in his throat, and a sob as he struggled, nearly hitting Sam in the process. Then, the pacing began again, faster this time, and his hips being punched harder. There was no way that didn't hurt! And yet, he kept doing it…

You didn't know how to help him at the time. Leaving you standing quietly in the doorway. When he saw you, he was able to calm down a little bit. But he was still clearly upset. Eventually, Sam shooed you away, telling you he would take care of things. But in the end, he wanted you. So, you stayed with him until he could calm down and breath. After that, you knew you two had to talk….  
That night, as you lie in bed with him, you two began to talk. You weren't sure how to bring up what you had seen. But you were as gentle as you could be, asking him if he was okay. When he could only respond with an 'I think,' you knew this was something deep-seated that he had not spoken to you about before yet. And, eventually, he began to confess.

He was not like his brothers in some ways. He was…'sensitive' as he put it. He would cry and panic and even hit when things became too much. What you had seen earlier. He could only label it as an 'explosion' as he had no other name for it. He needed to have control, and he needed things to stay familiar. He had always suspected it was due to his father's strictness on everything being just-so. It had trained him to be the same way. But, he knew it wasn't just that…br /He had a harder and harder time since coming to the human world. Human clothing with their uncomfortable textures, human rules, and the need to meet one another eyes. The strange way people spoke, the strange things they ate, the way they behaved. Outings just felt close to impossible, as he was bombarded with sensation after sensation that he was not familiar with. And he had been 'exploding' more and more often when you were not around to help keep him grounded and /Since coming here, he had been trying to find something familiar. Something he recognized and could focus on. And that something, as strange as it was, were toys. Matthew made them al the time at home. And you had them here in the human world. The ones your grandfather made. The ones other humans made. The ones from your childhood. He fixated on them, teaching himself how everything moved, how it worked, what buttons to push, and which stuffed animal was the softest. Obsessively learning of the Anderson toy company history, and the history of the toys he saw. He could always feel his heart race when he learned of the new models coming out. He wanted to know it all. And he truly feared the day he had nothing more to learn.

He had been trying to hide it, just as he always did at the castle so he did not anger or annoy father. He put on a mask and hid his behaviors.  
He was worried. He never wanted to bother you. He knew he was different. But, he still wanted to be close to you. He promised he could try to change. And he apologized. But exactly for what, you did not quite understand. For nothing you told you changed how you felt about him. Nothing at all.

"You may be different. But, that's okay. I like different," you told him. "I like your eyes. They are darker than mine, and I find them really pretty. I like your shorter hair, and I like your cute glasses. Even though I don't wear any myself," you said with a chuckle. "We're not all that different though. We have two eyes. We have two hands. We each have one heart. And they are beating together, just like they should be."

When he didn't say anything back, you kissed his nose. "You are James. And I love you just as you are. Your kindness, your intelligence, your responsibility. Everything that is different, everything that is the same. Because that's what makes you, you. And I wouldn't have it any other way. I mean that." Then, you frowned. "I knew something had been bothering you. I didn't know you had been holding so much and hiding so much." When he tried to look away, you gently cupped his cheek and turned his head to face you. "You can be yourself with me okay? I promise. I love you for you. And that's never going to change. I swear." His eyes met yours for a moment before they turned away. Then, he smiled. It was faint, but it was there.

"I love you (your name) I mean it. From the bottom of my heart."

"And I love you James. Forever and always~"


End file.
